You must be on your guard in the next few weeks for a monster that notoriously makes itself known this time of year. This monster remains hidden, camouflaged by nice smiles, warm sweaters, eggnog, and laughter. It’s ready to make itself known at the smallest hint of a lull in the conversation, after the laughter of a well told story, or even in the middle of someone else’s favorite Bowl-game. It can come bearing food for the gathering or bringing gifts for the white-elephant office party. It is so stealth that it goes with you wherever you go, whether you know it or not.
Comedian Brian Regan famously calls this “the me-monster,” ready to tell a better story than someone else, ready to steal the spotlight, ready to make itself known at any moment, so long as the attention of everyone is turned to and remains on…me. Or, the me-monster can also drag you into an empty room with a closed door, or make you stare at your phone, so long as you don’t have to engage anyone you’d really rather not talk to. Whether it’s hijacking every conversation to redirect someone’s attention or avoiding conversation to enjoy some rewarding isolation, the goal remains the same- for me to be the center of my life in that moment.
Jesus came at Christmas to defang the me-monster. Everyone seeks their own interests, says the apostle Paul, but not those of Jesus Christ (Phil. 2:21). Yet, Christmas is all about Jesus emptying himself, making himself nothing (Phil. 2:5-8). He didn’t come in pompous glory, but in the humility of being born to poor parents in a nowhere town. His entire mission was to serve others, not himself, even to the point of death on a cross.
If Christmas is the beginning of Jesus’ mission to save us from the me-monster, it’s also the story which should inform how we interact with family, friends, and co-workers over the holidays. Christ’s incarnational humility shapes our own. This is why C.S. Lewis said,
"Do not imagine that if you meet a really humble man he will be what most people call 'humble' nowadays: he will not be a sort of greasy, smarmy person, who is always telling you that, of course, he is nobody. Probably all you will think about him is that he seemed a cheerful, intelligent chap who took a real interest in what you said to him. If you do dislike him it will be because you feel a little envious of anyone who seems to enjoy life so easily. He will not be thinking about humility: he will not be thinking about himself at all."
Allow God’s mercy to silence your inner me-monster and pursue 5 grace-filled movements that will encourage others as you gather with them over the holidays:
Ask thoughtful questions: Questions allow someone else to be known. Thoughtful questions allow someone else to be known in ways that make them feel loved and pursued. What has been the best part of the year for them? The hardest? Are they encouraged with their work or studies? What do they hope the new year will bring? Thoughtful questions allow you to go deeper than simply asking if they’ve seen the newest Netflix series or latest cat meme on social media.
Listen well: Listening well means they know that your attention is fully on them in the moment, not on who just walked in the door, scored the latest touchdown, or ate the last cookie. You hear the words they’re saying and the stories they’re telling and your heart is genuinely interested. Most importantly, you’re not simply passing time to tell your own story or waiting for the response to be over so you can go get a gingerbread cookie.
Notice: It’s been said a million times that people communicate through their bodies just as much, if not more, than their words. You can follow the emotions- are they joyful about something? Is their tone discouraged? Are they waving their arms in excitement? Did they sit down when you asked them something, perhaps indicating they’d love to talk more? If they yawned and keep on looking at their watch, you have all the freedom in the world to move on and navigate towards the turkey and gravy.
Ask more: Almost everyone knows how to pass the time with faux-politeness. Say hello, ask a question or two, feign interest, and then go watch the football game. This movement of grace, however, will probably surprise someone- you actually ask more about something they just said. You want to know more about a topic they enjoy or a project they’re working on. Go out of your way to really show interest in the things they care about or pursue compassion by listening to more of something hard they’ve walked through this year.
Express gratitude: If you’ve had even a brief conversation about something that mattered to someone, you’ve been granted a passport to the inner terrain of their hearts. This is no small relational move which also demands that gratitude be expressed. Thank them for sharing what they shared, and for taking the time to allow you into their lives in that moment.
In the amount of time it takes you to pursue these 5 grace-filled relational movements, you might have been able to scroll through your Facebook feed alone or share a few wildly unimportant stories of your own. The important thing, however, is that the me-monster was put in its place, and you, in that moment, embodied to another the incarnational love of God himself (see 1 John 4:11-12).
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