Like every growing organism, relationships also need essential nutrients to be healthy and grow. In the coming weeks, we’ll explore six of these essential nutrients: connection, commitment, curiosity, empathy, reciprocity, and delight. These are helpful categories to think through, whether the relationship be among couples, families, or friends.
To begin with, a deep-hearted relationship requires the essential nutrient of connection. Whether it be the landmark book Bowling Alone by Harvard sociologist Robert Putnam, the award-winning Alone Together by MIT’s Shirley Turkle, or Billy Baker’s article in the Boston Globe about the waning of friendships, all agree that most people are not experiencing meaningful connection with others. In contrast, one only has to do a search of the words “together” and “one another” in Scripture to see that connection with others is a vital aspect of being human in general and being made in God’s image in particular. Even Jesus, in his own ministry, intentionally pursued individuals or made himself widely available for anyone to connect with him. Simply put, connection with others in meaningful community is written in your DNA.
Connection which deepens community consists of commonality, intentionality, availability, and consistency. Commonality is the simple idea that we tend to pursue relationships with someone that we have even the simplest thing in common. It may be that we share a stage of life with someone else, we might share a common hobby or passion for a sports team. Whether it’s something as simple as sharing an address on the same street or as painful as sharing a similar diagnosis, almost anything can be a means of sharing something in common. The deepest thing, however, that we share, is that everyone around us is made in God’s image. Commonality is key when it comes to connecting.
Intentionality is also crucial. We live in a world of complex lives and full schedules and any relationship that wants to thrive must feed on the oxygen of time together. Often, this means that one or both in the marriage or friendship will need to have a heart to pursue, even or especially when things get busy. It also means that “Let’s get together sometime soon,” rarely if ever actually works and that you might need to put a meeting together on your phone calendar as soon as you verbally commit to connecting. Intentionality also applies to the purpose of connecting- sometimes it’s for the more formal desire to know their story and explore their heart and sometimes it’s for the more informal desire to simply spend time together and enjoy some shared experiences.
A deep-hearted friend or spouse also makes themselves available. There will be times that are not and could not be planned to connect. It may be a phone conversation to share good news about a promotion. It may be a phone call to ask for a late night coffee to discuss an awful day at school. It’s an encouraging thing to see that Jesus regularly had his schedule interrupted by others in need and he never complained and always opened his heart and his time to them. The deep-hearted seek to do likewise.
Last, nobody but God himself in his omnipresence can be constantly available for others but as friends we can be consistently available to connect. For a variety of reasons and a number of circumstances, connecting with someone can happen in fits and starts. Yet, the deep heart remains intent on consistently connecting through face-to-face opportunities and if this can’t be had, a text message or email to let them know you’re thinking of them, grateful for them, and would like to spend time with them.
Commonality, intentionality, availability, and consistency all work towards the common goal to connect with someone else and grow the relationship. It could all be summed up in one word: time. The authors of a challenging book, A General Theory of Love, say it this way:
Relationships thrive on time. They devour it in the way that bees feed on pollen or aerobic cells on oxygen: with an unbending singularity of purpose and no possibility of compromise or substitution. Relatedness is a physiologic process that, like digestion or bone growth, admits no plausible acceleration. (emphasis theirs).
The skill of relating to others, they say, is one that “requires a solid investment of years.”
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