Like every growing organism, relationships need essential nutrients to be healthy and grow. In this series we’re looking at 6 of these that enable us to genuinely know others at a deep-hearted level: connection, commitment, curiosity, empathy, reciprocity, and delight. In Part I, we looked at connection. In Part 2 we looked at commitment. In Part 3 we looked at curiosity. Today, we'll explore empathy.
When Jesus wept at the tomb of his friend Lazarus (John 11:35) and Paul told the Romans to “rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep” (12:15), we are beholding a model and being given a command for our fourth core aspect of deep-hearted relationships: empathy. Sadly, MIT Professor Shirley Turkle believes that our nation is in the midst of an empathy crisis. Because many lack self-understanding, in large measure because we’re hardly ever alone for reflective thought and almost always connected technologically to others, we often don’t know how to enter into the heart and connect with another. Deep-hearted empathy, in contrast, seeks to embody empathy by doing three things: engaging others where they are, entering into their world, and experiencing what they are experiencing.
Empathy engages others where they are. This sounds like a simple statement, maybe even simplistic, but it’s harder to put into practice than one might think. Too often, when others experience a significant emotion of some kind, especially a negative emotion, our first thoughts may be that we want to engage them as to where they should be rather than where they actually are. We might be internally critiquing them for their seeming immature expression of emotion or for the intensity of their emotion. We may desire them to quickly ‘get over’ whatever they are feeling so that our circumstances can get back to normal. We also might be quietly focused on a subtle selfishness that’s glad that we are not enduring the same things they are. Sometimes we see someone experiencing a joyful emotion and we might say, “that’s where I want to be!” and we fail to enter into their joy because we’re upset at our own lack of joy. Deep-hearted empathy seeks to engage others exactly where they are.
Empathy also seeks to enter their world. You’re not trying to fix their world, or advise their world, or simply watch their world, or criticize their world. Rather, you want to enter into their world. You want to understand their context and circumstances, you want to notice both what is said through words and what is said through sighs, laughter, a slumped posture, or tears. If you personally are walking through a rain storm, you can step outside into their breezy sunshine and celebrate with them; if you personally are enjoying a day of breezy sunshine, you can enter into the world of their storm. Deep-hearted empathy enters their world and communicates that you are present and they are not alone.
Last, empathy desires to experience what they are experiencing. Empathy is actually feeling what your friend, co-worker, parent, child, or spouse is feeling. If they are ecstatic that they got the job they interviewed for, you feel the joy in your chest as well. If they are grieving the loss of their health and an unexpected diagnosis, you enter into and experience the grief as well. Empathy is like a tuning fork. If you place a resonating C tuning fork next to another, it will pick up the resonance and acquire the sound. This is the high calling of our hearts, to engage, enter into, and experience the resonating heart of another.
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