Like every growing organism, relationships need essential nutrients to be healthy and grow. In this series we’re looking at 6 of these that enable us to genuinely know others at a deep-hearted level: connection, commitment, curiosity, empathy, reciprocity, and delight. In Part I, we looked at connection. In Part 2 we looked at commitment. Today, we'll explore curiosity.
I think most of us feel very encouraged when anyone shows genuine curiosity about who we are, which is third core aspect of the deep-hearted relationship. One psychologist has said that curiosity is “the most unpracticed relational movement in modern culture,” which is easily described but rarely seen in actual conversations. Relational curiosity about the heart and life of another is a kind of narrative archaeology where you try to search for, find, and listen to the most formative times and experiences of someone’s life. You’re curious about their life story, the shaping of their character, and the development of their personality. This curiosity is marked by asking questions, listening well, noticing and expressing gratitude.
Every thoughtful question asked is like another layer being brushed away to reveal the heart and life of another that might remain hidden otherwise. Questions can run from the initial and superficial to the deeper and more substantial; they may be about major players who were an integral part of each season of their life, life shaping events, mundane things that were continually said and done yet left a lasting impact, or even books or songs that have been on repeat throughout their journey.
All of these questions require that one become increasingly committed to listening well. The words of your friend are him or her slowly unveiling the unique details of who they are. Active listening, without thinking about what you will say next or the story you will share in comparison, is an act of love that enables you to grow in getting a better picture of who they are.
Noticing is also important- you might notice their mannerisms, facial expressions, tone of voice, favorite phrases, important dates, hobbies, and more. Some of the more meaningful moments in any relationship is when someone is joyfully caught off guard when a friend noticed something important that no one else had ever seen or heard.
Curiosity is marked, last, by expressing gratitude. You are not owed entrance and allowance into the heart of another; thus, anything that they have done or said that enables you to know them more deeply should be met with genuine gratitude.
Make it a goal this week to give someone you love the gift of curiosity.
For an incredible resource that gives you tangible tools to practice curiosity, see The Known Project.
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