Like every growing organism, relationships need essential nutrients to be healthy and grow. In this series we’re looking at 6 of these that enable us to genuinely know others at a deep-hearted level: connection, commitment, curiosity, empathy, reciprocity, and delight. In Part I, we looked at connection. In Part 2 we looked at commitment. In Part 3 we looked at curiosity. In Part 4 we looked at empathy. Today, we'll explore vulnerability.
As we’ve seen the various core aspects of deep-hearted relationships, we’ve discussed sharing experiences and listening to the stories of someone else you care about. Knowing another, however, also demands the willingness to be known by another. In other words, relational vulnerability is another core aspect of a deep-hearted relationship.
To be vulnerable means to be open to attack or capable of being wounded. Relationally, this means that you enter into a friendship or relationship with someone and gradually, as trust grows, allow yourself to be more deeply known by another. What hinders this is often our fear of relational risk and our inherent tendency to create a false mask that we wear in order to gain the attention, admiration, or affection of others. We often want to be known as being a certain kind of person- funny, giving, successful, athletic, smart, etc. We often want to be known for doing certain kinds of things like winning educational or vocational award, pursuing religious devotion, always looking our best, etc. However, deep-hearted relationships call us to put down our demands to be known as and known for and, finding our security in God’s love for us alone, allow ourselves to simply be known by another.
First, deep-hearted vulnerability means risking relational trust. As C.S. Lewis has noted, if we choose to keep our hearts closed, they will atrophy and harden, but if we open them, while it exposes us to the possibility of hurt and betrayal, we’ll gain the rewards of genuine friendship. As you grow in knowing someone, you can grow in sharing with them your own stories, strengths, sins, and struggles.
Second, deep-hearted vulnerability means taking off the mask and allowing yourself to be known. Amy Edmondson, Harvard Business School professor, says in her book Teaming, that “Most people feel a need to ‘manage’ interpersonal risk to retain a good image,” and gain the approval of others. Whatever ‘good image’ you try to project in order to be known as or known for, a growing friendship simply gives you the freedom to be known exactly as you are and precisely where you are.
Last, deep-hearted vulnerability means that you give all that you are to another. God calls us not only to steward our strengths but also our weaknesses well so that we can wholeheartedly serve others with exactly who God has designed us to be in creation and who he is transforming us to be in redemption.
Let me mention two important things to close. First, only the gospel gives us the joy of being fully known and completely loved so we are free from the pull of creating fig leaves and living in shame. This is why Paul himself was open about what his own heart was like in order to further the cause of the gospel (see 1 Timothy 1:13-15; Romans 7). Second, vulnerability is not about self-seeking attention gathering. Its purpose is to build a relationship so that you can be used to strengthen another’s heart, and they can be used to strengthen yours.
Is there anyone in your life who knows you at your core? My hope and prayer is that we would all have at least 1 or 2 friends who would know us in this way.
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